How to Banish Family

You can cut just about anybody out of your life. You already have, cut them dead. You’ve filled graveyards of disconnections. Good.

Regrettably you have always felt you cannot jettison a family member just like that. That you are in fact stuck with your people forever. Not so! It is indeed possible to rid yourself of any inconvenient relative however close, doesn’t matter who, and as soon as you like too, you need not wait for the right moment or a catalyst. Do it now! Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, as the esteemed alphabet reformer Benjamin Franklin has it, and though he failed to exile the letters C, J, Q, W, X, or Y from the family, he was successfully estranged from several of his own close relations, so he ought to know and would be delighted to tell you, were he still speaking to you, that procrastination is the enemy.

So is your family member. Begin to see this person as an enemy. The enemy. This person makes everything worse. This person is why you can’t have nice things. Start referring to this person as this person. Call this person “this person” to their face. Make the quotation marks audible.

Become paranoid of This Person. Is This Person a keeper of the family treasures and might horde or squander them? Or worse, is This Person a keeper of the family secrets? What do they know? What do they have on you? Who will they tell? And when? You’d better strike first because This Person is a talker and can’t be trusted not to blab. To buy time, discredit This Person as much as possible. Make other family members suspicious of every truth they tell. Let them hear only you.

Whilst your are whispering poison into your family’s ears, you must endeavor not to turn any of them off. Ensure that they all align entirely to your point of view. Make promises and tell lies. You’ll find that a proper banishment of a family member must become a group project. The exile of one must be enacted by all. However, as is true of most group projects one person, usually you, ends up doing all the work. Nearly 80 people said they’d help kill Julius Caesar and he was stabbed only 23 times. So.

How do you accomplish the actual banishing? Just tell them. Just like that. Don’t bother to sugar coat, whose feelings are you going to hurt? This Person? You will never have to care about This Person again. That’s the point, right?