Tag Archives: Instruction Manual

X≠Y≠Z: How to Punch a Tree

X: The sun’s going down.

Y: Wait, how do I run?

X: Control W, no hold it down.

Z: Don’t lose my stuff.

Y: How would I lose your stuff? Wait, I’m stuck. Where am I? Is this… More

How To Declare War

Congratulations! You are going to war. You might be feeling rather heated at the moment and may be experiencing an urgent desire to get on with the war proper, but first you must declare… More

How to Grab a Thorn

Don’t. What the hell are you thinking? Don’t grab the thorn. Why would you want to grab a thorn? Why? Are you insane? This is insane. I feel insane thinking about it. Ascertain… More

How to Look Joyful

Look at yourself in a mirror or other reflective surface such as shiny metal or a pond. Be careful with ponds, you could fall in or get stuck there staring at yourself forever, wasting… More

How to go Extinct

First of all, in many ways you are doing a fine job on your own and you must be commended for that. For example your most recent pandemic is proving quite exemplary, but is alas, overcomable.… More

How to Milk a Beaver

Congratulations! You have found a lucrative way to maintain your luxury lifestyle well into the future! If you wish to augment your capital, the perfume industry will pay excessively… More

How to Dig my Grave

Source a location. Ask yourself, why are you digging my grave? Have you recently murdered me or have I died of natural causes? If murder, you must source both a grave site and a hiding … More

How to Die

First, you must find a reason not to live. There exists uncountable reasons but you must choose at least one and try to make it as ineffable as possible so the people you leave behind may… More

How to Move a Cow

Get acquainted with the cow. Make friends. This is a collaboration, not a battle, so you must find a way to join forces despite the cow’s opinion of you. Ascertain the cow’s… More

How to See the Pair in the Middle.

The rune carvers thought in pairs. They had a whole pronoun classification for the two that are also one, so it is no surprise to find pairs in the Rune Poem, matched thematically: the… More

How to Navigate by the Sun

I do not advise navigating by the sun. It’s a mathematical mess with all parts in motion, the sun, the sea, you. Pure chaos. Stick to the coastline where you can see landmarks, … More

How to Play the Game

You don’t just play this game. It’s fun, yes, everybody battling peacefully united, but this is more than that and deadly serious. Focus. If you want to win you have to … More

How to Travel by Night

The dark obscures everything. To travel by night successfully you will need light, which you will not have much of. Plan your journey for the full moon or bring a torch.

Beware of torch… More

How to Make Poison

You’ve murdered before. Good. Now you’ll want to refine your technique and go for a killing more subtle, more elegant. Your next move is undoubtedly poison. It’s… More

How to Calculate a New Year

To calculate a new year you must have some idea of a beginning. Calculations, like language, happen via a linear trajectory no matter how many forking paths it might take. This will … More

How to Eat a Birch Tree

You don’t choose to eat a birch tree, this is not food, but it is food adjacent. A birch tree is close enough to being food that at the end of winter when you are out of everything and… More

How to Stab Somebody with an Icicle

You want to stab somebody with an icicle. Good. It’s best when the murder weapon disappears. Here’s the plan:

Acquisition of Murder Weapon
If you are harvesting from … More

How to Change the World

How to change the world? Invent something. Look at the stirrup: kind of a metal rounded triangle you can attach to a saddle as a place to put your feet. Very simple, basic, but it is one … More

How to Listen to a Horse

Publius Cornelius Tacitus
Ingaevones Territory
Year 98 of the New Calendar

Gnaeus Julius Agricola
Governor, Britannia, ret.

Dearest Father in Law,

How are you, I am fine. Julia sends… More

How to Listen Beforehand

You ok? You look a mess. Well, you knew this meltdown was coming. You got all the signals and that was a massive red flag back there, but no. Some people don’t listen. Well, don’t… More

How to Hold it Together

You look happy on the outside but I can still see you coming apart. It’s your whole vibe: you’ve got no zip, zero, nada, and look at you. Loved by your family, yes some of them… More

How to Survive a Tornado

The light outside has turned green, masses of hail is falling everywhere, and the tornado is upon you. Literally. Oferheah over head. Surviving a tornado can be a simple thing if you… More

How to Go Overboard

You’ve booked passage on the ship sailing farthest, doesn’t matter where. Good. Take to the sea. Three miles out and it’s a free for all, no rules, pirate radio … More

How to Skip Town

It’s time to go. It’s past time. If you need to get out of here yesterday you’d better do it with an eye on the future, that knife blade of a now you’re balancing… More

How to be Happy

You are miserable, exiled in wretchedness. Why can’t you shake your anxieties? You are lacking in prosperity, that’s why. Your troubles are nothing a little abundance… More

How to Summon an Angel

Good luck summoning an Angel because you will need it. You’ll need good timing as well because the two of you, or however many, speak entirely different languages from each other.… More

How to Banish Family

You can cut just about anybody out of your life. You already have, cut them dead. You have filled graveyards of disconnections. Good. Regrettably you’ve always felt you cannot… More

How to Burn the Cotton Library

Collect every medieval manuscript you can get your hands on, the best ones, the really beautiful and important ones. Make a who’s who of the famed and the fabulous and gather … More

How to Burn it All Down

You want to burn it all down, even the unburnable. Good. To burn it all down you’ll need a focus. Find out what it is that’s really pissing you off most, get that bitterest… More

How to make a Torch

Find a pine tree, a nice sticky one full of resin, that stuff will burn in rain. Look for dead branches, go for ones closer to the base of the tree, and cut it off as close to the trunk as possible.… More