Tag Archives: Mathematical Esoterica

How to See the Pair in the Middle

The rune carvers thought in pairs. They had a whole pronoun classification for the two that are also one, so it is no surprise to find pairs in the Rune Poem, matched thematically: the end to the beginning, then the next two, reflecting each other in pairs to the middle. With an odd number of runes the middle one stands alone. This is Eolhx, the fifteenth of twenty nine runes in the poem, the only one without an opposing pair, though there may be a pair built into it, more than one. To see it, you must do two things:

1. Center yourself in a landscape or on water with a nice view of the horizon, east and west.

2. Count the days and choose the beginning or end of the middle one as your moment. Choose both. The start or end of a day is up for debate in any case, the rune … More

How to Navigate by the Sun

I do not advise navigating by the sun. It’s a mathematical mess with all parts in motion, the sun, the sea, you. Pure chaos. If you must get in a boat, stick to the coastline where you can see landmarks, read the marine life, always the same fish in the usual places, watch the birds.

If you have to cross the open sea do it at night, when you can travel by nice comfortable starlight. The stars are dependable, they never deceive, but the sun will burn you the first chance it gets. It’s shifty, you can’t trust it, not unless you know it really well. Look at it right now. Don’t look at the sun. Remember where it was yesterday? It’s shifted its position along the horizon. it does it every day all year long, and not uniformly. Its movements vary depending upon your longitude and the time of year. If you … More

P is for Poetry

Old English poetry was performed, probably sung, for purposes beyond mere entertainment. The Germanic tribes Tacitus visited at the end of the first century would prep for battle by barding, which he called “a peculiar kind of verse” sung to stimulate their courage and to divine the outcome of the coming fight through the quality of the sound itself. Tacitus tells us about these peculiar verses almost immediately in his report back to the empire, so you know it was impressive. It would be. Imagine it: he says the people would put their battle shields to their mouths, perhaps in them, and sing. A shield as a musical instrument. Their favorite sounds were “a harsh piercing note and a broken roar,” which “does not seem so much an articulate song, as the wild chorus of valor.” What were the words? Were they the names of the gods? An appeal for their protection? A … More

How to Measure a Mile

First you must gather your materials. You will need an an iron plow and a field, but not a square one. Long and skinny. And a pair of oxen yoked together. Try to find oxen who like each other and can tolerate you well enough. Some cows are just mean.  Be wary of oxen who say they are intrinsically motivated self starters who have a passion for teamwork and excellent organizational skills, as this means nothing anymore. Treat your team well, bring treats, but don’t let them bully you — give some oxen an inch and they’ll take a mile.

Start plowing in a straight line. This can prove difficult if your oxen don’t want to move, but this problem is not insurmountable. Persuade them. Good cows. Once they decide to get on with it they’ll stop themselves for a break when they’ve had enough. Lazy cows. And once they stop they will sit … More

How to Talk to God

First of all shush! Shh. You talk too much. You need to listen more. Who do you think you are? You’re not God. You are about to talk to somebody who is God and who is not chatty. So shush. Listen. What.

Before beginning a conversation with divinity, choose which divine being you wish to communicate with. Or beings. Perhaps your deity is multiple. Will you be talking to all of them? A select group? Maybe your divine one is not a one, but one of those many contained into the one deals? This can happen very easily. From the one to the infinite is but a step. Ascertain if your God is a two for one special, a throuple, or some sort of n = (n+1) arrangement, or perhaps more likely: 0*∞ = (0*∞)+1. Or if you prefer: 0/∞ = (0/∞)+ 1, it’s all one to me.

Determine as well if your God … More

The Oxen of the Sun

April 8, 240 b.c.e. Eratosthenes of Cyrene
Chief Librarian
isabel369 jennette mccurdy nudeGreat Library of Alexandria
Alexandria, Egypt

Dear Eratosthenes,

Greetings my dear friend. I congratulate you on your recent measurements of the globe, though I suspect your eyes will suffer from so much gazing at the sun to achieve it. If you are hungry for it I require your assistance in the computation of the number of Helios’ cattle. They are horned, though that may make little difference as all are worth the same money horns or no horns. They live in four herds of different colors, white, black, yellow, and dappled. Each herd has bulls in these proportions: the white bulls are equal to a half and a third of the black together with all of the yellow. The black are equal to the fourth part of the dappled, and a fifth, together with again, all of the yellow. The remaining … More

How to Die

First, you must find a reason not to live. There exists uncountable reasons but you must choose at least one and try to make it as ineffable as possible so the people you leave behind may feel suitably at a loss for words when they find you. An added benefit: it will be easier for the people who attend your wake, interment, scattering of the ashes, memorial service, whatever it is it will be none of your business, to speak in hushed and reverent tones if they find themselves capable of speaking at all. Amongst the reasons not to live you might choose: you are suffering from progressive melancholia; by ceasing to exist you will bring your existence to the attention of the person who barely knows you exist, though you maintain a unique awareness of said person’s existence; pondering the great nothingness of everythingness has inverted your thoughts into a perpetual retrospective arrangement.… More

Octave

The rune carvers, the people who knew the Rune Poem by heart, probably sang it. There’s a lot of evidence for that, not to mention putting a story to music makes the retelling easier to remember. We can all sing along, others joining in where memory fails. Poetry has beats and rhythm and we sing ours too, but we don’t call it poetry when we do that. We have another word for that. Language takes all the music out of poetry. Language did not take language out of music.

Music has an alphabet of its own: the letters are notes. And these notes we arranged into groups of eight. Octaves. Take a note, think of a sound. It’s got a letter, but from such a short alphabet. Now hum it. Hum it steady, you sound terrible because you are not actually doing it out loud. Do it. There you go. Your note, that … More

How to Move a Cow

Get acquainted with the cow. Make friends. This is a collaboration, not a battle, so you must find a way to join forces despite the cow’s opinion of you. Ascertain the cow’s opinion of you.

Ascertain as well the cow’s motivations. Why will this cow not move? Is it stuck? Is this a choice? If so, perhaps make the surroundings less comfortable for the cow. Introduce flies or possibly a beehive or two within kicking distance.

If the cow simply will not move, you must move relative to the cow. Change your frame of reference. Run past the cow and the cow will appear to be moving.

The cow’s acceleration is equal to the total force you provide it divided by its mass. Do not allow the cow to have infinite mass.

If the cow seems un-acceleratable, you must assume it has willed itself into a state of infinite inertia.

Get acquainted with your own … More