How to Talk to God

First of all shush! Shh. You talk too much. You need to listen more. Who do you think you are? You’re not God. You are about to talk to somebody who is God and who is not chatty. So shush. Listen. What.

Before beginning a conversation with divinity, choose which divine being you wish to communicate with. Or beings. Perhaps your deity is multiple. Will you be talking to all of them? A select group? Maybe your divine one is not a one, but one of those many contained into the one deals? This can happen very easily. From the one to the infinite is but a step. Ascertain if your God is a two for one special, a throuple, or some sort of n = (n+1) arrangement, or perhaps more likely: 0*∞ = (0*∞)+1. Or if you prefer: 0/∞ = (0/∞)+ 1, it’s all one to me.

Determine as well if your God has geometric shape. Perhaps something pyramidal or a fancy tetrahedron. These deities can be cumbersome depending on size, especially if your God is an intelligible sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. In such cases it may be difficult to provide enough space for your conference with the divine. Many locations take bookings years in advance so it is imperative you secure your spot the minute you know your date or you’ll be hard pressed to find anything suitable, particularly if you are wanting a weekend. Don’t even think about vacancies around the holidays, that kind of availability takes an act of God.

Once you have chosen with whom you will communicate, be sure to allow for plenty of time. Of course your God exists in eternity and as such has all the time in the world. Literally. But even a deity might not have a perfect understanding of your particular conception of time. Duration is particularly difficult for those unaccustomed. Ascertain your version of temporality. If your world is composed of permutations of information and noise, this will seem an excessive cacophony to your deity who has to perceive it all at once. Remember, you are approaching one another from across separate realities. In such cases what might be meaningful to one might be insensible to the other, so do give your deity time to get their bearings and clear their throats. These are universes you are bridging so it’s only common courtesy to be gentle on those with jet lag.

Try to be helpful. Convince your God to put themselves into motion. Motion is always useful for helping the eternals understand the passage of time, which they will have to comprehend if they are to put one word in front of another with any kind of coherence. Motion will at minimum provide an illusion of sequential time for all deities except again for those troublesome ones whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. There’s always some who have to be in the center of things. Divas. It is imperative not to allow such deities to have an unobstructed view of the full circumference of the horizon around them. This is absolutely critical. Otherwise, in whatever direction they move and however fast, they will remain in the precise center of the world visible to them and as such it will look to them like they are not moving at all. They’ll have no sense of time’s passage. We’ve all been on that car ride through the middle of nowhere.

Determine if your God is in the middle of nowhere. Locating such a deity may be tricky as their center can be anywhere they like and their circumference nowhere in particular, so you’ll have to rely on luck to find them. Hopefully your deity leaves a trail of devastation in their wake and you can follow that. With such deities, try to steer them toward a more varied landscape such as mountains, woodlands, or a nice dense cityscape, though it will be a lengthy journey getting there. You’ll find it surprising how vast the middle of nowhere can be.

Of course if you are looking for a deity whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere you will likely have to to put yourself into a place where you too can see the full circumference of the horizon all around yourself. Ascertain if you can see the full circumference of the horizon all around yourself. If so, put yourself into motion perhaps by walking or riding in something, or even better on something for an unobstructed view. If you choose not to move under your own power, you can be creative with the variety of your vehicle choice but do choose an object that will tend to stay in motion. If your vehicle has it’s own consciousness, it may get tired or simply choose to remain at rest. If your vehicle chooses to remain at rest do not allow it to become immovable as such a situation comes with its own perils. Do select your conveyance carefully.

Now that you are in motion, notice that from your perspective, the world will appear to be not in motion, with you as the motionless center. Congratulations! You have entered into the conjunction of time and timelessness and have become an entity made up of both. You are now a being occupying a position both inside and outside of time, and as you know, if you can occupy a position outside of time, you are a deity. Welcome to the pantheon! As a deity, you are now free to talk with yourself all you like. Chat it up! Do be aware, however, that talking to oneself is considered a sign of madness. Determine if others are within earshot. If so, to avoid seeming insane to others, do not talk so loud. Shh. Shush. You are a God, behave like one.