How to Move a Cow

Get acquainted with the cow. Make friends. This is a collaboration, not a battle, so you must find a way to join forces despite the cow’s opinion of you. Ascertain the cow’s opinion of you.

Ascertain as well the cow’s motivations. Why will this cow not move? Is it stuck? Is this a choice? If so, perhaps make the surroundings less comfortable for the cow. Introduce flies or possibly a beehive or two within kicking distance.

If the cow simply will not move, you must move relative to the cow. Change your frame of reference. Run past the cow and the cow will appear to be moving.

The cow’s acceleration is equal to the total force you provide it divided by its mass. Do not allow the cow to have infinite mass.

If the cow seems un-acceleratable, you must assume it has willed itself into a state of infinite inertia.

Get acquainted with your own motivations, especially if the cow appears immovable. How badly do you want to move this immovable cow? Are you harboring resistance to the project within yourself? If so, overcome it. You must be an unstoppable force.

No cow can resist an unstoppable force. No force can move an immovable cow. Encourage the cow to remain immovable. When the immovable cow meets your unstoppable force it will both move and not move.

If you are to be an unstoppable force, you must find within yourself an infinite amount of energy. Try carbo loading or eat some sugar.

Once you have become infinite energy, attempt to move the cow again. The cow will absorb your energy and you will move out of existence. You might consider this a win for the cow. However, in the process the cow’s infinite mass will have become infinite energy and the cow has also moved out of existence. The cow has moved and you have triumphed!

Moving the cow has resulted in your mutual annihilation and your effort has come to nothing, you cow.