How to be Happy

You are miserable, exiled in wretchedness. Why can’t you shake your anxieties? You are lacking in prosperity, that’s why. Your troubles are nothing a little abundance can’t fix. Though you must contend with the old myth: more money more problems, happily the truth is there is absolutely no reason why wealth can’t solve all your problems, every last one of them, if you have enough of it.

How do you get enough wealth to be happy? Make it yourself.


Cream of Tartar
Washing Soda
Dung (Cow or Horse, for christsakes not your own)

Note: collect your dew during a waxing moon in spring time, preferably when the sun is in Ares. Acquire an amount commensurate with your own body mass. Some may prefer for this reason to start rather early during Ares so that you might have room to slip into Taurus or even Gemini depending on your girth. People come in endless variety and your variety might be larger than ideal for this process, but as long as you aren’t so large you would need enough dew to dip into the summer constellations, you should be fine.

During a full moon distill your dew: boil it and capture the steam so it may condense back into liquid. Discard the impurities left in the pot. Wash the pot.

Set aside a small portion of dew and return the rest of it to the pot. Add the cream of tartar and bring to a boil. Stir constantly.

Slowly add the washing soda. The solution will bubble violently but keep stirring. To create enough prosperity to be joyful, one must work quite hard. Stir in the washing soda a little at a time until bubbles no longer form and the dew has become clear.

Place this mixture outside under the full moon, and leave there for an entire moon cycle. Cover well to keep your future wealth unadulterated and pure.

Return to your pot and carefully collect the crystals that have formed. These can be a range of sizes from small salts to rather large chunks.

Place yourself in a stone mortar, preferably made of agate, and grind yourself together with half of the crystals. Pulverize yourself well with the pestle until you are fully mixed into one substance and add half of the remaining dew, just enough to moisten yourself. You should resemble a fine compost, for indeed that is what you now are.

Hermetically seal yourself into a glass container. Allow no ingress or egress. Make of this glass place a fortified city. Nothing can touch you in here, you are safe and about to become prosperous.

Heat yourself at a constant low temperature, the temperature of an egg just under a hen. Aim for a low fever of about 100.5 degrees. Stay at this temperature for forty days. This may feel like a long time but you will keep busy throughout.

Begin by separating into equal and opposing parts. Let one part of yourself be red hot, fiery, dry, and active. This is the portion of yourself that devours and corrupts, fixes and coagulates. Be a red hot burning sun. If you were an animal you would be a blazing red lion, a male one with BDE.

Let the other half of yourself take on an aspect just as deadly, but much colder. Quieter. You are a serpent, cold blooded, slithering, hissing, shedding your skin and birthing yourself from yourself again and again, mothers immersed, with deadly hearts cold as ice, prolific and swirling. Ice dragons too frozen to melt, so frigid they burn.

Now fight. Go ahead. This is the destruction of opposites so get on with it, tear yourself apart. Let there be bloodshed. Fight. This is a battle to the death so you better give yourself all you’ve got, you have nothing else.

Once you die, putrefy and decay into the deepest blackness. Be like a black mirror. Ask yourself how much more black can I be? Let the answer be none, none more black.

Assume the stench of graves. This too will pass, everything is temporary. With time you will take on a starry surface and be a humid milky way until you ultimately evaporate, collect, and rain down upon yourself, watering yourself until you are a new earth grown from the old.

At this point, raise the heat under yourself, do this very slowly. The moister parts of yourself will parch and dry until you are left a cracked and desiccated landscape at the bottom of the glass.

Watch yourself carefully now because you are about to burst into a peacock’s tail of color! Become the luminescent multiplication and glory of every hue possible until at last you become the allcolor, the white that contains every possible pigment imaginable like a secret within.

Remove yourself from the alembic and do it again, you heard me, the whole thing, grind yourself together with the crystals, seal yourself into the glass fortress, all of it. Another 40 days. You think attaining this kind of wealth and being happy is easy or quick? It is a process. It takes time. But in the end you will have achieved a pure golden perfection the like of which has never been seen nor barely dreamed possible. You will become a universal elixir, the source of health, wisdom, divine knowledge, enlightenment, and eternal life. You are to be the ineffably precious primary element from which all elements derive, a substance valuable beyond understanding and price. That’ll be worth something. That’ll make you happy.